This is something I wrote in bed last weekend after Don't Miss This. A memory and a feeling that came to me very suddenly and strongly. A call to arms.
I really shouldn't ever let myself forget what drew me into the concept of standing up in public and speaking words. I was 16. New. Just discovering a desire to put flowers in my hair and tie it up in bits of cloth. I had an image of myself as a tall, pretty, psychedelic warrior prince. I'd be an author, a poet, a musician. I'd use my writing to describe, inform and inspire - a call to arms.. and to music. Music being my biggest love of all.
I went to workshops, classes. We were, in reality, kids, and Brendan, who was running the show, facilitator-cum-teacher, told us to focus on what was needed. Taught us to pare down. Sometimes removing words from a sentence can clarify it and make a long way more potent. Like the different between smack and opium.
Suddenly a world opened up to me - I'd been writing for years already, but now I read what I wrote and I felt inspired and proud. I could see that I could do this. And when it happened it was so easy.
As we got towards the performance I grew excited, and teenage. I developed a mad crush on another of the older poets involved in the project - a woman called Bernadette, she was 40 odd, cute and spikey. She had a way with word play and vitriol and I thought she was marvelous. I knew I'd never do a thing about it.
All the sharing, bashing out, editing, reading to each other. The day time classroom exchanges, early evening visits to poets houses - oh this is how I could live!
Nothing could prepare me for the feeling I got when I got on that stage with a microphone in front of me to read my own words. It was a feeling of remembrance. Bright, shining confidence. I had never felt so sure of myself, so aware this was where I should be in my whole life. At the time I think I put that down to it being the closest I'd reached to my rockstar fantasies. I look back now and begin to see something different. And very much the same.
I feel a need to pursue poetry. I feel a need to write in my own time, and way and share it. I feel a need to see this as entirely integral to all my creative endeavors - to not be held back or intimidated by the fact I've not studied, not been consistent, and am not yet in that place.
To not be held back by my love of other art forms - my need to curate, to make music - to play with sounds. These things MUST both happen simultaneously.
So - this is my call to arms. Get me on that stage - brimming with that confidence. That power and awareness of how and where to show people, to empower them to act, make these choices, in their own way for themselves. Get me in that space - where people like us find a visceral connection with the universe that is different from any of the others. Where people like us find in the confidence to shine, the inspiration to inspire. These feelings are not negative after all, or a joke. This is something I need in my life.
Saturday, 17 May 2008
starting over/tramps in the park/being idle
Let's be honest. I'm struggling with working full time. Not a fan. I have no time for anything except work, attempts at sleep and promotional nonsense for DMT and my new London night - Dead Pets Society. I've hardly even done any actual music type things! grr... well this week anyway. and I havn't written anything here since the 1st of April simply because i find that i want to prioitise non essential things that involve being outside and doing very little.. ;)
I know a lot of people live like this all the time but it just always seems to me that there is something terribly wrong with it.
I went to a talk at the Big Green Bookshop in Woodgreen on this subject. The bookshop is fantastic in that it's just a tiny independent that's been opened by a couple of guys who used to work in the Woodgreen Waterstones. When it closed down they decided to try their hands at opening a shop, partly using their reduncy money. Kelly was there painting it at the beginning and everything - she pointed out to me the exact spot where she painted the wall. :) They're lovely guys! I was glad to finally get down there. It was the first event they were holding and Tom Hodgekinson (of Idler fame) was speaking. He spoke about how important it is to him to be able to have a nap in the day. To work for yourself and the things that matter to you. To have freedom....yes! sigh.
But aside from moaning about work, what i really wanted to write about was the photoshoot, now a couple of weeks ago (was last saturday when i wrote this in my book!). It was the craziest thing - I was in Liverpool for work. It was weird to be there, u know? Mostly just weird to be at the station - that's the pub me and John went to, there's the train/tube thing out to the Wirral.. i only went to Lime Street once.
The day went well, I was focusing on the job in hand - looking at the venues for this big event in June - except when we were looking round the university and the woman showing us round totally caught me staring at the trees. It was an irresistible lovely day! We had a nice conversation about trees, and plants, and gardening anyway. She had a funny urgency about her that made me wonder if she'd got onto it in a different way than she let on.
It was me, my boss and this mad polish girl I work with all looking around the place. The uni was right opposite Penny Lane! Anyway after looking round there and the convention centre we went and had a paid for lunch at costa opposite the Beatles museum (haha forgive me! we never did any of that the times i went up before) - as we were leaving, getting in a cab to go to this networking event, I get this phone call. weirdly i felt suspicious....
"Is this adi? Dolly?"
"err.. who is this?"
"It's Nathan, I'm calling to arrange the photo shoot for the MEN article."
"Sorry?"
"The Manchester Evening News, we need to take a photo for the article - I was thinking maybe tonight or anytime before tuesday, are you free?"
So I ended up back in Manchester in a whirlwind after a day that begun at 5.30am to get a train up to Liverpool for 9. I was disappointed if not surprised that what began as a fun celebration on a boat shaped bar on the canal, planning and excitement, ended with, after no food and lots of alcohol and a tiny bit of beuge, a fit of anger and sadness at the world coming out in all the wrong ways. Boris winning and discussions about immigration that really shocked and depressed me at the time. I think it is partly personal. It's also ideological. My parents are immigrants and that does effect the way i see it. So does my experiences working for charities that work with people who have become refugees from a humanitarian perspective. I can't help but feel that if someone comes from a country where they are so desperate that they are willing to get on a plane/truck/whatever in labour in the hope their baby will survive and have a chance in life, well they probably deserve our help. If they come from somewhere where there is no system to contribute to, where they've never had the chance to pay into something that will aim to help them if they need it. If they come from a regime so oppressive that they can't be who they need to be to survive then, u know, I can't help but feel intrinsically that they deserve our compassion just as much as anyone who has lived here all their lives. As much as any of us do. No one else is going to show them any.
hmm... controversial? I don't really see why! But i also don't see why I had to make such a scene. As if that helps! I become like a child sometimes when i know I have a valid point but I can't get myself into a state where I can express it. Silly.
Nevermind, moving on... The whole thing feels like a long time ago now. We spent the day trying to find all the items we had in mind for it. 1st though we went to the park up the road from John's and searched out places that'd work for what we had in mind. Boats, beds, buses.. things that you might miss.. and trees, flowers, natural nonsense.. things that are what we are. What we want to remind people about. We decided to set up a bed in the park with toy boats and clocks and things all around us. We found a few spaces and headed into town.
I had to buy pjamamas - I had no clothes at all with me. And then we went everywhere, encountering people and a lack of clocks designed to teach kids to tell the time. We wound up eventually in Toys R Us - where there was only one of them despite the size of the place. Kip. Don't kids learn this stuff anymore?
We were back just in time to get changed and head out to meet the photographer at the shisha place at the top of John's road. He was great. We had to gather blossom on the way, and he didn't bat an eyelid at all as John and I pulled flowers from trees and John worried about the rights and wrongs of the situation.
We set a bed up against the trunk of a fallen willow tree, with toy boats and the clock we'd found, and the DMT banner and heaps of blossom - sprinkled stuff from when we pulled it down without picking it properly - big bundles of the stuff too! Pink and bright and in balls. He told us he'd photographed Celine Dion the night before, and Beyonce last week. He told us Beyonce was one of the ugliest women he'd ever photographed! Man. and that she looked like a drag queen. that's ridiculous.
He got right into the spirit of it with us too, and that was fun. It was a massive kip of a cliche - all "Oh you ARE good at this", telling us how beautiful we looked, saying stupid things like "Now you look like a couple.. a couple of weirdos!"
It's was silliness, u know? But it was special. and then it was over and we went and had a pint and a shisha and came down and talked it over. heh.
I know a lot of people live like this all the time but it just always seems to me that there is something terribly wrong with it.
I went to a talk at the Big Green Bookshop in Woodgreen on this subject. The bookshop is fantastic in that it's just a tiny independent that's been opened by a couple of guys who used to work in the Woodgreen Waterstones. When it closed down they decided to try their hands at opening a shop, partly using their reduncy money. Kelly was there painting it at the beginning and everything - she pointed out to me the exact spot where she painted the wall. :) They're lovely guys! I was glad to finally get down there. It was the first event they were holding and Tom Hodgekinson (of Idler fame) was speaking. He spoke about how important it is to him to be able to have a nap in the day. To work for yourself and the things that matter to you. To have freedom....yes! sigh.
But aside from moaning about work, what i really wanted to write about was the photoshoot, now a couple of weeks ago (was last saturday when i wrote this in my book!). It was the craziest thing - I was in Liverpool for work. It was weird to be there, u know? Mostly just weird to be at the station - that's the pub me and John went to, there's the train/tube thing out to the Wirral.. i only went to Lime Street once.
The day went well, I was focusing on the job in hand - looking at the venues for this big event in June - except when we were looking round the university and the woman showing us round totally caught me staring at the trees. It was an irresistible lovely day! We had a nice conversation about trees, and plants, and gardening anyway. She had a funny urgency about her that made me wonder if she'd got onto it in a different way than she let on.
It was me, my boss and this mad polish girl I work with all looking around the place. The uni was right opposite Penny Lane! Anyway after looking round there and the convention centre we went and had a paid for lunch at costa opposite the Beatles museum (haha forgive me! we never did any of that the times i went up before) - as we were leaving, getting in a cab to go to this networking event, I get this phone call. weirdly i felt suspicious....
"Is this adi? Dolly?"
"err.. who is this?"
"It's Nathan, I'm calling to arrange the photo shoot for the MEN article."
"Sorry?"
"The Manchester Evening News, we need to take a photo for the article - I was thinking maybe tonight or anytime before tuesday, are you free?"
So I ended up back in Manchester in a whirlwind after a day that begun at 5.30am to get a train up to Liverpool for 9. I was disappointed if not surprised that what began as a fun celebration on a boat shaped bar on the canal, planning and excitement, ended with, after no food and lots of alcohol and a tiny bit of beuge, a fit of anger and sadness at the world coming out in all the wrong ways. Boris winning and discussions about immigration that really shocked and depressed me at the time. I think it is partly personal. It's also ideological. My parents are immigrants and that does effect the way i see it. So does my experiences working for charities that work with people who have become refugees from a humanitarian perspective. I can't help but feel that if someone comes from a country where they are so desperate that they are willing to get on a plane/truck/whatever in labour in the hope their baby will survive and have a chance in life, well they probably deserve our help. If they come from somewhere where there is no system to contribute to, where they've never had the chance to pay into something that will aim to help them if they need it. If they come from a regime so oppressive that they can't be who they need to be to survive then, u know, I can't help but feel intrinsically that they deserve our compassion just as much as anyone who has lived here all their lives. As much as any of us do. No one else is going to show them any.
hmm... controversial? I don't really see why! But i also don't see why I had to make such a scene. As if that helps! I become like a child sometimes when i know I have a valid point but I can't get myself into a state where I can express it. Silly.
Nevermind, moving on... The whole thing feels like a long time ago now. We spent the day trying to find all the items we had in mind for it. 1st though we went to the park up the road from John's and searched out places that'd work for what we had in mind. Boats, beds, buses.. things that you might miss.. and trees, flowers, natural nonsense.. things that are what we are. What we want to remind people about. We decided to set up a bed in the park with toy boats and clocks and things all around us. We found a few spaces and headed into town.
I had to buy pjamamas - I had no clothes at all with me. And then we went everywhere, encountering people and a lack of clocks designed to teach kids to tell the time. We wound up eventually in Toys R Us - where there was only one of them despite the size of the place. Kip. Don't kids learn this stuff anymore?
We were back just in time to get changed and head out to meet the photographer at the shisha place at the top of John's road. He was great. We had to gather blossom on the way, and he didn't bat an eyelid at all as John and I pulled flowers from trees and John worried about the rights and wrongs of the situation.
We set a bed up against the trunk of a fallen willow tree, with toy boats and the clock we'd found, and the DMT banner and heaps of blossom - sprinkled stuff from when we pulled it down without picking it properly - big bundles of the stuff too! Pink and bright and in balls. He told us he'd photographed Celine Dion the night before, and Beyonce last week. He told us Beyonce was one of the ugliest women he'd ever photographed! Man. and that she looked like a drag queen. that's ridiculous.
He got right into the spirit of it with us too, and that was fun. It was a massive kip of a cliche - all "Oh you ARE good at this", telling us how beautiful we looked, saying stupid things like "Now you look like a couple.. a couple of weirdos!"
It's was silliness, u know? But it was special. and then it was over and we went and had a pint and a shisha and came down and talked it over. heh.
Tuesday, 1 April 2008
the frustrations of space
i'm looking for music, specifically a band for DMT for May. and i'm finding some really great bands - but they're all from places I have no links to - and i don't know the viability of getting them to manchester - currently.
May is meant to be a local affair anyway - we've not done that yet and it'd be an idea... for a whole lot of reasons.
There's a lot going on in Birmingham, so it seems... a nice little mini scene with some folks getting heard about anyways.. if you want to find out about it start here:
http://www.myspace.com/mistysbigadventure
i really do like that lot! and follow through the links. It's stuff I wish was going on somewhere I could get to it! This is, perhaps, a constant thing in the modern era - and partly why I ended up running a club in Manchester in the first place. But I think in particular it's a constant thing for people like me. The UK is small - really we can get around and share relatively easily... but getting bands to play and not taking the piss financially, or for building regular connections and helping each other location can still be king. Not everyone is willing to play effectively for travel costs or journey cross country every month, or even every other month. Then again, not everyone is seemingly willing to come out to something that often, even when they live down the road and have confessed a whole unnecessary bundle of love and support for you. So it goes.... :)
May is meant to be a local affair anyway - we've not done that yet and it'd be an idea... for a whole lot of reasons.
There's a lot going on in Birmingham, so it seems... a nice little mini scene with some folks getting heard about anyways.. if you want to find out about it start here:
http://www.myspace.com/mistysbigadventure
i really do like that lot! and follow through the links. It's stuff I wish was going on somewhere I could get to it! This is, perhaps, a constant thing in the modern era - and partly why I ended up running a club in Manchester in the first place. But I think in particular it's a constant thing for people like me. The UK is small - really we can get around and share relatively easily... but getting bands to play and not taking the piss financially, or for building regular connections and helping each other location can still be king. Not everyone is willing to play effectively for travel costs or journey cross country every month, or even every other month. Then again, not everyone is seemingly willing to come out to something that often, even when they live down the road and have confessed a whole unnecessary bundle of love and support for you. So it goes.... :)
Tuesday, 11 March 2008
adi wants to look like a psychedelic overdose... basically. otherwise known as D.I.WHY?
that was what i was meant to call my blog about the weekend - till i felt dead wrong earlier.... :)
i'm a terrible cliche. i went record shopping and am listening to can and this all makes me feel so much more secure. i think i really love can. not the overblown annoying endless flouncy smack stuff. the stuff that has a ring of clever pop nastyness about it.
a primary school friend sent this to me today after a short chat that she instigated asking about a tv show i was on with my sister as a kid. she has a beautiful baby boy. i last saw her when we were 9 or 10 and she has a baby!! i would love to see her again. it would be hilarious....
"Thanks yeh my little boy, Mahli (pronounced Marley) will be one next week weds!!! Cant believe it...loving being a mummy and just being a kiddy all over again!! It would be so interesting to see you all one day...I remember being really upset that I couldn't quite get pretend land...I used to watch you, Myra, Dennis and Sarah and imagen what it was like...I remember coming to your house in Crystal Palace???? And you guys were all in pretend land and I just couldn't get there....went home VERY dissapointed!!!lol
What you up2? x x"
isn't that amusing? that's sorta cheered me up too. u see, i am terribly happy that things are just... what they are. u look over your life and it's just there, in front of u.
i've gone through the wars MASSIVELY tho. psychedelics-wise. adventures-wise but specifically psychedelics. who the hell gets spiked/takes hard core psychedelics by mistake at least 3 times? that's just not something that happens is it? No wonder lots of people think I must be mistaken.
i guess in a way it sorta took the last situation, that was so different from the others and SO traumatic. Not that the others weren't but not even close - on levels or on trauma. They were pretty hardcore and extremely tricky (its not nice to feel like your brain's been raped, obviously!) but not, u know, massive letters falling on your head, dna walls really seriously oh my god!.
..eh yes. where was i going with that? the first time was massively traumatic actually. that's what i've realised. not in a "i'm gonna die" way, but still, in a lack of control, not choosing something so life changing and fundamental, feeling abused kind of way. and also just... well u know - it is sorta shocking, the 1st time u really see it. U know what i mean? was for me anyway. i didn't realise that parts of that were gonna be so deeply... horrific. i'm sure that was bigger because of the circumstances - but there also just IS something quite horrific about psychedelia. it's the horror and the beauty that makes it so incredible. i guess.
so it was traumatic - to the extent that I think it actually took me having to really go into myself to find the tools to deal with how i felt from the last time (last year) for me to remember just how intrinsic to me it all was. not that i didnt get a lot out of mushrooms and k in the meantime(!) i did, an awful lot - but i always felt that was sorta in spite of something to do with me, u know? in a part of me anyway.
i'm rambling like a bitch now... bloody can! :) xx
i'm a terrible cliche. i went record shopping and am listening to can and this all makes me feel so much more secure. i think i really love can. not the overblown annoying endless flouncy smack stuff. the stuff that has a ring of clever pop nastyness about it.
a primary school friend sent this to me today after a short chat that she instigated asking about a tv show i was on with my sister as a kid. she has a beautiful baby boy. i last saw her when we were 9 or 10 and she has a baby!! i would love to see her again. it would be hilarious....
"Thanks yeh my little boy, Mahli (pronounced Marley) will be one next week weds!!! Cant believe it...loving being a mummy and just being a kiddy all over again!! It would be so interesting to see you all one day...I remember being really upset that I couldn't quite get pretend land...I used to watch you, Myra, Dennis and Sarah and imagen what it was like...I remember coming to your house in Crystal Palace???? And you guys were all in pretend land and I just couldn't get there....went home VERY dissapointed!!!lol
What you up2? x x"
isn't that amusing? that's sorta cheered me up too. u see, i am terribly happy that things are just... what they are. u look over your life and it's just there, in front of u.
i've gone through the wars MASSIVELY tho. psychedelics-wise. adventures-wise but specifically psychedelics. who the hell gets spiked/takes hard core psychedelics by mistake at least 3 times? that's just not something that happens is it? No wonder lots of people think I must be mistaken.
i guess in a way it sorta took the last situation, that was so different from the others and SO traumatic. Not that the others weren't but not even close - on levels or on trauma. They were pretty hardcore and extremely tricky (its not nice to feel like your brain's been raped, obviously!) but not, u know, massive letters falling on your head, dna walls really seriously oh my god!.
..eh yes. where was i going with that? the first time was massively traumatic actually. that's what i've realised. not in a "i'm gonna die" way, but still, in a lack of control, not choosing something so life changing and fundamental, feeling abused kind of way. and also just... well u know - it is sorta shocking, the 1st time u really see it. U know what i mean? was for me anyway. i didn't realise that parts of that were gonna be so deeply... horrific. i'm sure that was bigger because of the circumstances - but there also just IS something quite horrific about psychedelia. it's the horror and the beauty that makes it so incredible. i guess.
so it was traumatic - to the extent that I think it actually took me having to really go into myself to find the tools to deal with how i felt from the last time (last year) for me to remember just how intrinsic to me it all was. not that i didnt get a lot out of mushrooms and k in the meantime(!) i did, an awful lot - but i always felt that was sorta in spite of something to do with me, u know? in a part of me anyway.
i'm rambling like a bitch now... bloody can! :) xx
frustrating!!
i'm feeling dead sketchy and anxious today. i somehow imagined i'd be feeling really different to this this week... i keep feeling nervous about seeing certain people at pedro and doug's next week instead of focusing on positives to do with next friday. I think if i'm honest i'm probably nervous about things to do with that really... just not wanting to admit it. this is silly...
Shyness is nice, and
Shyness can stop you
From doing all the things in life
You'd like to
Shyness is nice, and
Shyness can stop you
From doing all the things in life
You'd like to
So, if there's something you'd like to try
If there's something you'd like to try
ASK ME - I WON'T SAY "NO" - HOW COULD I ?
Coyness is nice, and
Coyness can stop you
From saying all the things in
Life you'd like to
So, if there's something you'd like to try
If there's something you'd like to try
ASK ME - I WON'T SAY "NO" - HOW COULD I ?
Spending warm Summer days indoors
Writing frightening verse
To a buck-toothed girl in Luxembourg
ASK ME, ASK ME, ASK ME
ASK ME, ASK ME, ASK ME
Because if it's not Love
Then it's the Bomb, the Bomb, the Bomb, the Bomb, the Bomb, the Bomb, the Bomb
That will bring us together
Nature is a language - can't you read ?
Nature is a language - can't you read ?
SO ... ASK ME, ASK ME, ASK ME
ASK ME, ASK ME, ASK ME
Because if it's not Love
Then it's the Bomb, the Bomb, the Bomb, the Bomb, the Bomb, the Bomb, the Bomb
That will bring us together
If it's not Love
Then it's the Bomb
Then it's the Bomb
That will bring us together
SO ... ASK ME, ASK ME, ASK ME
ASK ME, ASK ME, ASK ME
Oh, la ...
haha. not sure quite why. but yes.
and that's another thing. i was in manchester at the weekend and john and I went to the smiths and morrisey disco. what a joy!! i never really thought that i'd enjoy so much smiths so much. lots of ideas came out of it too.. funnily enough. but i was drunk as a skunk and said a lot of things the wrong way. i'm just feeling like i'm being a bit of a knob at the moment... like i've been freaked out, to be honest, by a few thoughts i've had - so i keep spouting them out in the wrong way or unnecessarily and being a fool.
it seems like big shit but i think i just need to get over it. so what. it's all the same anyway. like that thought i had back in the summer when it was all first starting to occur to me.. about existence being like complex paper chains... u know - like u can push it together and it's just one mass as it were - it is just ONE thing - and everything connects up as much as it possibly could EVERYWHERE - cos it's one thing. but when it's pulled out - where the lines cross and how becomes so complicated. and they can seem so significant, and then, u know, they're really just moments in time. they'll last forever and for an instant and flicker back and forth in how much u can see them (or how much they effect you perhaps, or use them to make sense of the world) but really - it's not like they actually mean anything. other than that we're all connected. all the time. and all dead seperate too. and that's confusing.
i was watching the 2nd part of a programme on stephen hawking/physics last night. fooking hell! it blows my mind. they were sort of saying this too. haha. maybe.
just some bizarre thoughts anyway. i think i trust that things will be ok. it's just a bit scary right now. i've got the most fantastic week or so lined up but i could well come out the other side of it without a job, and maybe without/on the brink of loosing other things that really massively matter to me too. massively. u know. not gonna let that happen. that's not gonna happen. but it's scary. and then thinkin about going to that party and seeing that kid seems a whole lot harder, u know?
silly.
it's gonna be great! there's so much goodness and potential in all of it. fookin silver apples and felix kubin tomorrow!!! i just wish i was feeling a bit stronger in myself.
Shyness is nice, and
Shyness can stop you
From doing all the things in life
You'd like to
Shyness is nice, and
Shyness can stop you
From doing all the things in life
You'd like to
So, if there's something you'd like to try
If there's something you'd like to try
ASK ME - I WON'T SAY "NO" - HOW COULD I ?
Coyness is nice, and
Coyness can stop you
From saying all the things in
Life you'd like to
So, if there's something you'd like to try
If there's something you'd like to try
ASK ME - I WON'T SAY "NO" - HOW COULD I ?
Spending warm Summer days indoors
Writing frightening verse
To a buck-toothed girl in Luxembourg
ASK ME, ASK ME, ASK ME
ASK ME, ASK ME, ASK ME
Because if it's not Love
Then it's the Bomb, the Bomb, the Bomb, the Bomb, the Bomb, the Bomb, the Bomb
That will bring us together
Nature is a language - can't you read ?
Nature is a language - can't you read ?
SO ... ASK ME, ASK ME, ASK ME
ASK ME, ASK ME, ASK ME
Because if it's not Love
Then it's the Bomb, the Bomb, the Bomb, the Bomb, the Bomb, the Bomb, the Bomb
That will bring us together
If it's not Love
Then it's the Bomb
Then it's the Bomb
That will bring us together
SO ... ASK ME, ASK ME, ASK ME
ASK ME, ASK ME, ASK ME
Oh, la ...
haha. not sure quite why. but yes.
and that's another thing. i was in manchester at the weekend and john and I went to the smiths and morrisey disco. what a joy!! i never really thought that i'd enjoy so much smiths so much. lots of ideas came out of it too.. funnily enough. but i was drunk as a skunk and said a lot of things the wrong way. i'm just feeling like i'm being a bit of a knob at the moment... like i've been freaked out, to be honest, by a few thoughts i've had - so i keep spouting them out in the wrong way or unnecessarily and being a fool.
it seems like big shit but i think i just need to get over it. so what. it's all the same anyway. like that thought i had back in the summer when it was all first starting to occur to me.. about existence being like complex paper chains... u know - like u can push it together and it's just one mass as it were - it is just ONE thing - and everything connects up as much as it possibly could EVERYWHERE - cos it's one thing. but when it's pulled out - where the lines cross and how becomes so complicated. and they can seem so significant, and then, u know, they're really just moments in time. they'll last forever and for an instant and flicker back and forth in how much u can see them (or how much they effect you perhaps, or use them to make sense of the world) but really - it's not like they actually mean anything. other than that we're all connected. all the time. and all dead seperate too. and that's confusing.
i was watching the 2nd part of a programme on stephen hawking/physics last night. fooking hell! it blows my mind. they were sort of saying this too. haha. maybe.
just some bizarre thoughts anyway. i think i trust that things will be ok. it's just a bit scary right now. i've got the most fantastic week or so lined up but i could well come out the other side of it without a job, and maybe without/on the brink of loosing other things that really massively matter to me too. massively. u know. not gonna let that happen. that's not gonna happen. but it's scary. and then thinkin about going to that party and seeing that kid seems a whole lot harder, u know?
silly.
it's gonna be great! there's so much goodness and potential in all of it. fookin silver apples and felix kubin tomorrow!!! i just wish i was feeling a bit stronger in myself.
Monday, 3 March 2008
british gas
its a shame that my housemate sarra mentioned the temporary free-gas situation to the landlord's handyman. eugh. if we have to pay why can't we just get bills like normal people instead of being ripped off on a pre-pay meter?
in other gas related news british gas have done an advert using the waters of march. wtf?! hahaha. we've been a bit freaked out to be honest - but i think it's better to see the funny side...
in other gas related news british gas have done an advert using the waters of march. wtf?! hahaha. we've been a bit freaked out to be honest - but i think it's better to see the funny side...
censorship
i decided to censor myself and delete a post from a few days ago so i'm not nervous of the potential for a can of worms to be opened if a few certain people read this blog, cos i want to be able to tell people about it generally and not feel concerned about that.
it's a shame in a way - cos it was sorta expressive and i liked a couple of bits of it. old hat, blameful and pointless too tho! lol.
life isn't perfect. but it's good to move on. i've saved it on my email so i still have it. xx
it's a shame in a way - cos it was sorta expressive and i liked a couple of bits of it. old hat, blameful and pointless too tho! lol.
life isn't perfect. but it's good to move on. i've saved it on my email so i still have it. xx
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